The Gutman Group

Dear reader, we hope you are enjoying mooching off of all our hard work, because we are certainly not having much fun providing it to you. If you like the content on this site then to subscribe to our RSS feed and follow us on Twitter...or risk being poor forever. Consider it like insurance or something...

For some reason, society is in love with the word “millionaire” and everything such an adjective entails. I believe, being the capitalistic pig that I am, that aiming to be a millionaire is simply too low of an aspiration, especially with inflation and the cost of living rising faster than a cheetah in a petting zoo.

I reckon twenty years from now a loaf of bread will cost as much as a Porsche and a Porsche will cost as much as an expedition to Mars. Of course such a scenario is of little consequence to someone such as myself whose net worth is so large that any calculator would explode just by trying to fit all those numbers on to one screen.

Then again, being the richest being in the universe to ever have existed and ever to exist gives me a certain bias in making such statements of grandeur and I realize that reaching millionaire status is difficult enough as it is for ordinary simpletons such as yourself. That is why I, the mighty Mr. Moneybags, have gone out of my way to show all of you cheap mongrels how to make a million smackaroos.

Why? It certainly isn’t because I’m such a great humanitarian nor is it because I feel good helping people. In fact, I hate helping others more than I hate scraping ice off my windshield in the middle of a snowstorm. Let’s just say by me making you rich enough to afford to go golfing with a club forged out of platinum and a ball made out of sapphire, you will be forever in debt to me – I think that’s a pretty fair trade. Therefore we will consider me making you people rich an investment.

Here are 21 ways you can make a million dollars (Note: some tips are a tad more realistic than others):

1. Collect $1 from a million people
2. Collect a penny from one hundred million people
3. Collect one billion coupons (a typical coupon has a value of 1/10^th of a cent)
4. Start a business
5. Whore yourself out to 10,000 good-looking people for $100 each
6. Whore yourself out to 1,000 average-looking people for $1,000 each
7. Steal twenty peoples’ kidneys (average price for a kidney on the black market is $50,000)
8. Invest $10,000 growing at a 30% annual return for 18.5 years
9. Invest $10,000 growing at a 10% annual return for 49.5 years
10. Invest $10,000 growing at a 150% annual return (a.k.a. The BAG Fund return) for 6 years
11. Take a celebrity’s child hostage
12. Write an eBook and sell it for $20 to 50,000 people
13. Sell 50,000 of anything for $20
14. Start a blog, slap Google AdSense on to it, get 400 viewers a day for 8.5 years
15. Start a website, slap Google AdSense on to it, get 4,000 viewers a day for eight and a half months
16. Peel ten million potatoes for ten cents each
17. Invest $5,000 a year for 14 years growing at 30% annually
18. Invest $1,000 a year for 14 years growing at 50% annually
19. Sell your business (see: number 4)
20. Fill out 200,000 surveys online (an average survey gets you about $5)
21. Don’t follow the advice provided by the amazing Mr. Moneybags and do what everyone else is doing and work non-stop at a job that you hate for 24 years straight without spending a single penny making an American’s average salary of $42,000 per year

That should be enough ammunition to get you started on your journey to make enough money to buy a watch that costs as much as a house.

Why are you still here? Go make a million dollars!

Some random posts you might enjoy: