14 Ingenious Tips On How to Stay In Debt Forever!

By: Mr. Moneybags

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With Black Friday fast approaching and with multitudes of people losing their sanity along with their common sense in exchange for some cheap bargains, I felt it was fit to show you people how you can accomplish your dream of staying in debt forever! (Or…if you don’t want to be in debt, just do the opposite!)

Here are 14 ingenious money-squandering tips:

Gamble your money: This includes casinos, blackjack, poker, slot machines, chugging contests and especially lottery tickets. Remember this the next time you think of buying a lottery ticket: A person who drives 10 miles to buy a lottery ticket is 3 times more likely to be killed in a car accident while driving to buy the ticket than he is to win the jackpot.
Investing without knowing what you are doing (see: number one)
Attempt to “take advantage” of every ridiculous thing on sale on Black Friday (or whatever other shopping extravaganza exists)…and only buy things with a credit card. A lot of useless crap that you don’t need + a mountain of credit card debt = goodbye financial sanity!
The Magic of Black Friday
Only pay the minimum on your credit card balance every month, this way you stay in debt longer and are constantly paying the highest possible amount in interest payments.
Get back together with old lovers shortly before Valentine’s Day, Christmas or birthdays versus getting back together AFTER these occasions when you no longer have to give them a present…now that’s using your noggin!
If you're smart, you won't have to pay for this
Only invest in safe, low-yield investments because stocks are “risky” Actually, ignorance is what makes an investment risky; otherwise you are just going to be missing out on many years and many big fat moneybags of compounded interest.
Go into business with a pimp, drug dealer, politician or [insert morally ambiguous profession here] because you know how reliable they are as business partners…and as an added bonus, if you enjoy spending your time being interrogated by drug squads and renegade police detectives, consider your prayers answered!
Buy crap you can’t afford…why settle for a Corolla when you can get a Ferrari!? (You know the drill: live WITHIN your means…although, nothing is stopping you from increasing your means!)
Consume mind-altering substances till the wee hours of the night and watch late-night infomercials with phone in one hand and credit card in other…Slap Chop anyone? Snuggie?
The Mighty Slapchop
Do not negotiate for the best price possible when you are buying a car, given your salary, taking out a mortgage, buying a house, buying furniture or when buying anything at your local flea market.
Spend your money as soon as you get it. You may fantasize about being a millionaire all you want, you may even feel so proud of yourself and your spanking new paycheck that you decide to treat yourself to a mini-spending spree but I can assure you, you don’t really need that $1,400 purse, or that fifteen-speaker surround sound system and not even the electronic dog that thinks it’s a real dog. Your future financial situation will thank me.
Have a diet consisting of hookers, booze and cocaine as opposed to a steady girl/boyfriend with which sex comes free, mineral water (ten cents a bottle versus at least 100 times more for alcohol) and vegetables which tend to be cheaper because they don’t have to be smuggled in from Columbia.
Looking like Amy Winehouse is bad for business and your wallet
Eat out everyday: The average American spends about $4,500 a year on takeout {according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics}, invest that same $4,500 every year compounding at an annual rate of return of 20% and you will have: $168,000 in ten years, $1,180,000 in twenty years and $7.4 million in thirty years…or you can be out $135,000 and be fighting a massive coronary in the hospital…for which you have to pay for.
It really adds up
Start contributing to your retirement plan in your late fifties after missing out on many years and many hundreds of thousands of dollars of compounded interest.
Don’t share this post with any of your friends/family/colleagues/pet squirrels!