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As we all know, the New Year is a new time to make resolutions for the New Year.
This is the time where people swear they will lose twenty pounds, make an extra $10,000 and bang a supermodel… only to find themselves a week later eating a mountain of Big Macs, spending their life-savings on blue cheese and hitting on an Orca whale lookalike.
Sometimes desperate times call from desperate measures, and this is one of those desperate times requiring immensely desperate measures. If I find out that ANY ONE of you has failed to accomplish their New Year’s resolutions 365 days from now, I will personally fly my private jet forged out of gold into your house and will proceed to beat you senseless with a sea bass the size of a small tractor-trailer.
Setting Goals
So, how can you avoid such a fiery, smelly death? Make your goals realistic. That’s it.
Don’t say you want to cut your spending by $20,000 when you only make $40,000 a year and don’t say you will land an executive position at a Fortune 500 company if your work experience consists of being a manager at McDonald’s and walking your neighbour’s poodle on the side.
It also helps to make small, incremental goals. For instance if you want to lose 40 pounds by year’s end and you currently weigh 200 pounds, aim to weigh 190 in three months, 180 in six months, 170 in nine months and 160 in 12 months – suddenly losing 40 pounds doesn’t seem so hard. The same thing goes for acquiring clients for your business, making a huge sum of money, saving even more money and increasing your doll collection.
Your Goals
If you are not constantly improving yourself year-after-year then there is a good chance you have some sort of major deficiency and should be locked up in major solitary confinement complete with cannons firing in random directions every fifteen minutes.
If you can’t commit to your goals, make a goal to commit to your goals and work relentlessly to achieve that goal. Only think about this one goal and don’t stop, plaster it all around your dingy little apartment and staple it to the back of your mate’s head. Make sure it is always on your mind and sooner than later it will be in your grasp…or else feel the wrath of Mr. Moneybags and his giant sea bass.
You should set your goals the same way that smart corporations set their earnings estimates; they give analysts following them a very low and very believable earnings estimate and when the actual earnings (which are clearly going to be higher) roll around, everyone is surprised and drinks enough champagne to quench the thirst of Africa for the next seventy years…but they’re too busy celebrating to care.
Since I have always accomplished every single goal I have ever set for myself, it would probably be a good idea to show you people how exactly I set my own goals and how it is that I always manage to accomplish them, so here it is (by the way, it also helps to publically announce them as if you fail then everyone can laugh at you and throw rotten eggs at your home, which is something you would prefer to avoid):
Mr. Moneybags’ goals for 2010
2009 was a good year for this me and my Big Fat Moneybags. We officially opened this site sometime in November and since then we have gotten many thousands of visitors and our Alexa ranking (a measure of how popular a website is, the lower the number the better) has grown from over ten million down to 600,000 and is still going strong.
We’ve managed to guest post on some of the greatest blogs in the universe and have even more lined up…but it wasn’t enough. See, your average chimp who prides himself on any and every accomplishment that comes his way will rejoice at such results, but for a perfectionist like me – it’s never enough.
That’s why my goals for the next year are more ambitious than the cumulative force of every single nuclear explosion ever to have gone off and ever to go off in the history of the universe – and they’re still realistic.
By the end of next year, Big Fat Moneybags.com will:
- Be mentioned in several of the biggest news publications in the world (i.e. New York Times, LA Times) on a continuous basis – after the first time being written about in these publications, the site will be mentioned at least once a month after that point in time;
- Will grow the site’s visitors to a minimum of one million visits;
- Will get a book deal;
- And all this will subsequently allow me to trade in my private jet forged out gold for one forged out of platinum encrusted with rubies.
At this point in time I would list EXACTLY what I am going to do to get to that level such as by posting more regularly, continue posting controversial and helpful articles, continue and increase the rate of guest posts, who and which publications to contact and what features to add – just more exact.
Then again, I’d rather have my amazing plan be kept in complete secrecy so as to surprise you people to such an extent that your brains will implode from the shear ingeniousness of it – just know that you have to have to make yourself very specific goals (like I did, complete with actual figures and not foggy estimates) and make specific steps to achieve these goals.
That’s it! Now go make some goals for yourself and follow them or FEEL MY WRATH!
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