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The Simpsons have been around for all eternity (twenty years to be exact) and over their lifetime they have taught us quite a few tidbits of wisdom about life and especially money, such as the fact that gravity is stupid and laziness and self-interest always pays off.

Let’s see what some of the cast members of The Simpsons can teach us about that thing that we seem to never have enough of (a.k.a. money):

Homer Simpson

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

I think we can all wholeheartedly agree that Homer is an intellectual prodigy who always does the right thing in every situation…as long as he does the exact opposite of what he would typically set out to do.

Whether it is through spending thousands of dollars on useless crap without consulting his wife or tearing up thousand-dollar paycheques shortly before announcing to everyone not to worry as he makes three of those a year, Homer has quite a bit to teach us when it comes to the subject of finances.

What we can learn from Homer:

1. Stop being an idiot. Stupid people do stupid things with their money, it’s not rocket science. Put down the TV remote, pick up a book, have an intellectual conversation or stop drinking so much. Your bank account will thank me (and Homer);
2. Go easy on the beer and donuts. Overindulge in beer and you will get drunk and crash your car into a succession of fire hydrants, mail boxes, trees and front lawns (see: Homer) along with the many dollars wasted on the “liquid courage” over the years. Overindulge on donuts and you will end up horribly out of shape (see: Homer) and fighting off a whole concoction of diseases brought on by obesity while missing out on many needed work hours;
3. Laziness only pays off in cartoons. Homer is a lucky bastard; somehow things always end up turning out for him, such as being able to get his job back at the nuclear power plant after nearly causing it to explode along with the entire city – if you can get that lucky, then I wish you all the best. For everyone else, get off your lazy ass!

“Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”

Marge Simpson

“Homer, I’ve gone through seven years of receipts, and you’ve spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos.”

Marge, on the other hand, is what we can call the antithesis of Homer with her responsible nature and thoughtfulness. Hell, she even counts receipts, tries to cut down on food expenses and is an attentive mother.

What we can learn from Marge:

1. Patience pays off. I think we can all agree that if you can deal with all of Homer’s shenanigans and still have enough energy to do the laundry at the end of the day, you are quite possibly a super human being. And if you can do that, that also means that you have enough patience to balance the chequebook, pay the bills on time, cut coupons and follow a budget;
2. Take responsibility. When you have a family consisting of a brain-dead husband, an evil son and an overachieving daughter who all refuse to take responsibility for their actions, all responsibility falls on the responsible mother who bears all the hardships. Being responsible means you don’t let your spoiled, dysfunctional family drive you into bankruptcy or even the jailhouse. I am also going to be responsible right now by admitting I overuse the word responsible. Responsible.

“I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it’s brain food. I guess because there’s so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are.”

Montgomery Burns

“Well, that’s odd … I’ve just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers – have him beaten to a pulp.”

If there’s any character in the world that I can relate to most, it would be that of Mr. Burns, Springfield’s friendly neighbourhood trillionaire who is never afraid to release the hounds on just about anyone. He may be the oldest man in Springfield and weaker than a diseased kitten but he is still the richest, meanest and most bad-ass dude out there.

What we can learn from Mr. Burns:

1. Own the necessities. Whether it’s the power plant, oil, casinos or converting churches into casinos, Mr. Burns knows the latest and greatest investments that everyone will die without and isn’t afraid to monopolize them by any means necessary. Hence, he’s a trillionaire;
2. Even rich people can be frugal. He may be filthy stinking rich, but he still (attempts to) steal lollipops from babies and (try to) pick up nickels off the sidewalk (albeit then requires his back to be fixed back into place) and still refuses to pay for his employees’ health insurance. Someone give this man a Nobel Peace prize!
3. Don’t be afraid to release the hounds. Have you ever seen anyone stand up to Mr. Burns? Would you want to be attacked by a vicious pack of hungry dogs? Didn’t think so;
4. Kindness never killed anyone. Unless you want to die old and alone with only a gay servant named Smithers by your side, then do what ol’ Monty does, otherwise you may want to get that old heart beating again.

“Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I’m giving you a five percent pay cut!”

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

Apu, the mighty self proprietor of the famous Kwik-E-Mart who has been shot eight times in one year and still managed to make it to work every single day, is the tale of the hard-working immigrant living the American dream…sort of.

What we can learn from Apu:

1. Being an entrepreneur is hard work. If there’s anyone that can show us that owning your own business is hard, it is Apu, who appears to be working every waking minute of the day to pay the bills and send money back home;
2. Hard work pays off. Well, you’d assume if you seemingly own the only store in town and don’t spend any money on employees, eventually your bank account will be in an extreme state of jubilation;
3. Sometimes cheapness pays off. Apu isn’t afraid to make a few dirty bucks when he can, such as by selling expired products or simply by lying to his customers. Is it unethical? Perhaps. Does it pay the bills? Undoubtedly.

“Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding, I work, I work.”

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